if i am in her home
drinking red kool-aid
to spill on her carpet,
if we are fucking angry
& my nipples are two soar
to feel good between bites,
if i am too afraid to tell her
the truth & lie
in some other bed,
in some other borough,
if i am not her first
but she is mine
& no one calls it a mistake,
if we are holding hands
not talking about her plan
to drink the baby away
if i am sitting in her lap
& do not disappear wholly,
if i am now her two light eyes
not looking at herself
in the mirror,
if we in the bad company
of her friends
waiting for 2 am to take us,
if i am talking her down
from using her nigga-knocka,
if i am mapping the safest route
out with respect
to our wet silhouettes
if i am an ask for her
not to wait for me
because it is always too late
& she has class in the morning
if i am a single, not single spin
into the center
of the dance-floor
& we are double-blinded
by the shadows,
if i walk away & don't get far
if i pay her phone bill
but she buys two wigs,
if i cannot call her beautiful
& tears make her angry,
if i know what's good for me
& believe i don't deserve it
sade is not allowed here
& i am not allowed to listen
if it is my turn to choose
what our love sounds like